Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
