im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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