what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
