Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
