Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
