i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
