Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
