I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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