i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
