And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
