drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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