I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
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My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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