In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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