Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
