Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
