you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
