I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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