I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
even my farts smell like vagina
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
