it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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