just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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