I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
