how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
