Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
