I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
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All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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