did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
