shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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