Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
