i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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