shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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