we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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