what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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