I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
