does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
