do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
