I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Randomize
