I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
