he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
