coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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