We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
