Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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