I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize