last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
