I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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