He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
God, I missed his penis.
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