My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im six kinds of drunk right now
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
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