he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
