she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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