I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
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Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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