Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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