Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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