My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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