I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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