Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Randomize
